Learning to Be Okay with Not Being Okay
I Hate Birthdays
At this moment, I’m holding on, contracting and even as I feel it, I know the cause and effect. Why can’t I just scream out loud, sob, or cry until there’s nothing left in me? I know why. It’s because of others, their needs, their emotions, their reactions.
Being a mum is rewarding, but it’s also so hard and challenging. If I were to let it all out, my 6-year-old would panic and cry, overwhelmed at seeing me upset. My other daughter would say, “It’s all my(her) fault.” And the other would quietly support me, doing her best while suppressing her own confusion and fear.
I’m sure I’m not the only mum who feels this frustration.
This push and pull between wanting to do what we most desire and being limited by ideals, expectations, and circumstances as a parent.
Today is my birthday. And like every year, it stirs something in me. Anger, perhaps rage. Resentment and hurt. These emotions lodge themselves inside, trapped and uncomfortable. But this year, it’s different. I’m witnessing the holding on, feeling the discomfort without running from it.
It’s like carrying an overfilled cup of coffee, feeling the heat seep into my hands more and more, knowing it’s temporary.
We can’t rush the process.
Just yesterday, I wrote about the importance of “state of being”, allowing. It’s when we fold into our emotions completely, without resisting the discomfort, that stillness can come. In vulnerability, we find compassion for ourselves. And with that compassion, we begin to extend it to others, even those who repeatedly hurt or disappoint us. Or… have they? That’s something I’m still trying to discern.
Healing is an ongoing journey. It’s never fixed or finished.
Like our bodies, which are constantly renewing and rejuvenating, our emotional and spiritual journeys are always evolving.
I hate birthdays. They’ve become a trigger, a source of pain and hurt. Yet, I hold on to hope. I remind myself that healing is possible, just as I see it in my clients. We heal, grow, and release when the time is right.
Sometimes, though, healing demands that we address other parts of ourselves first.
Today, I’m sharing this part of myself, this rawness and vulnerability, in hopes that it gives someone else the courage to keep going. You’re not alone on this journey.
Even in the heaviness of today, I see growth. I’m allowing more, contracting less, and learning to be okay with not being okay. I’m holding the space I need for myself.
I don’t need to understand why I hurt right now. I just need faith that the answers will reveal themselves in time. For now, I PAUSE, REFLECT, and OBSERVE. That is enough.
